Relationship deal breakers
November 13th, 2008 by CatThe other day I was talking with a girlfriend of mine and wondering, "Why is this girl still single?"
She's funny, smart, adorable, athletic, laid-back — and she's got a nice quiver of surfboards.
Still, she's unattached. Not even dating.
"I think I'm picky," she said, matter-of-factly. "I don't want to settle for just anyone."
(She's also 26, so she has lots of time.)
That's when we started rattling off what we consider deal breakers in relationship. Like, guys who smoke, who hates football, who's been living on his friend's couch for the past three years.
Sure, there are exceptions. For example, you might say you'd never date a guy who's not gainfully employed. But you might meet a great guy who's back in school to get a second degree in, oh, culinary arts. Or you promise yourself you'd never date someone who lives at home. Then you remember you still do, too.
So I wanted to get a guy's perspective on the issue. I went to AskMen.com and found a list of the Top 10 Deal Breakers from a guy's POV. Here it is, in abbreviated form:
1. She doesn't back you up.
2. She flirts with other guys.
3. She neglects you publicly.
4. She lies.
5. She criticizes you.
6. She disappears without telling you.
7. She abuses you.
8. She scolds you publicly.
9. She has a substance abuse problem.
10. She cheats.
So what are your deal breakers when it comes to relationships?
Tags: AskMen.com, dating, deal breakers, hawaii, love, men, relatioships, toth, women
November 13th, 2008 at 2:58 am
her right-side buttock bounces independently of her left-side buttock.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:26 am
HI.gotta be honesty.if she's not honest or loyal its all over. guess that could be said in all relationships.but never so prominently as in b/f-g/f. and also at the top of the list -sense of humor".! if she CANT laugh or is all serious kine ,time to go. thanks.
November 13th, 2008 at 6:03 am
I concur with Ron W, except the other way around with the left side buttock bouncing independently
November 13th, 2008 at 6:37 am
CAT,
RONW & CC have it right. I did see something similar a bit higher up on the anatomy...it was actually quite provocative. I think it was at a gentlemen club or a bachelor party...
November 13th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Insisting on talking to me as soon as I walk in the door, grab the newspaper, and am trying to unwind after a hard day in the office.
She ALWAYS says things about what she says she's going to do (or stand for), but never does it. Therefore, lack of credibility. If she's not credible in the small stuff, you don't know where she REALLY stands on the big stuff.
Then talks to me about the small stuff that happened that day in the office, and doesn't meaningfully talk about the future. I realize she's just going to bump along in life, not really working at something or working towards something.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:08 am
a guy once told me "i'm too old to play games, i hate pursuing". Dont get me wrong, I initiate at times but there are times when a girl just want to be chased. Talk about lack of drive...*hehe* maybe that was his problem, lack of drive in all aspects of his life *and the bedroom*
November 13th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Lies would be a definite deal breaker. Rudeness is another one. Being rude or treating people disrespectfully is a choice. There's no excuse for that, and it's one of those things that shows your true nature.
Even if it's not you that does something, when you're with someone, their choices reflect on you as it was your choice to be with them.
Lack of common sense is another good one. I won't even start on that.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:35 am
i'm 26, and just recently started dating... my biggest thing is the guy needs to live on his own. if he's 26 or older and has a job, then why are you still living at home with your parents.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Being inconsiderate is a deal breaker for me.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
to me, its about the deal MAKERS, not the deal breakers. Of course if he cheats, beats or compulsively lies, he is not marriage material, but would I say sayonara to one because he works at McDonalds full time?...most likely not. My deal makers are that he respects the woman I am, is honest with me and stays faithful to the meaning of love. I'd take a burger turning-"would you like fries with that"-loving-respectful man over a scummy-"my wife won't find out"-disrespectful-C.E.O. ANYDAY.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Deal breakers (aka Minimum Requirements)
Physical: must be shorter and lighter than me (and have all limbs)
Age: half + 6 on the low side, + 4 on the high side
Education: GED (min)
Personality: not a mute (i hate carrying a conversation)
In the sack: 3 positions (min), no dead fish
Employment: full time or full time (college) student
Pets: no cats, loves dogs
I don't think that's asking too much.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Dealbreakers:
-- Druggies
-- Alcoholics
-- Guys who spend more time in the bathroom getting ready than I do
-- Guys who treat their mothers badly
-- B.O./Stinky guys (I thought it was fixable, but I've learned being a fixer-upper is not a good thing)
November 13th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Smells.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:27 am
WOW laulau..
The Theory of Half Life... Any habits or actions that someone does, will take at least Half of the amount of time they've been doing it to change. The older you are when you move out, the longer it will take you to grow up.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Superficiality, e.g., cares too much about designer things, how much was paid, and where it was bought
November 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Lack of a sense of humor. Doesn't have to laugh at my jokes but it be nice to know that she knows how to laugh.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:51 am
oh oh, is this gonna turn into a match.com/eharmony.com hook up site? heh.
No Nos
- too superficial
- shops TOO much
- impractical
- not "grown up" yet
- inconsiderate
- too clingy/jealous
- smoker/other substances
Yeah Yeahs
- likes me for me
- doesn't try to change me into her "ideal" vision
- looks toward the future
- likes/enjoys/tolerates/willing to learn about sports
- communicates well/doesn't keep it hidden inside
thats all i can think of at the moment.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I think I'll stay on the sideline on this discussion. I met the perfect person, married her, now we're having a kid. You'll accept many of the things people are listing here if it's the person you were meant to be with.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I was involved in a very strange relationship a little while ago. I was trying to help a very attractive female friend find some good candidates for herself. This woman was bigtime eye candy!! But she kept to herself and just liked to sit around her apartment.
I'm married, so a relationship between her and I was out of the question. But no matter who I suggested, or who I offered to arrange her to meet, she would come up with some excuse to why it would not work out. After awhile I just gave up because she was seemingly too picky....to the point of ridiculousness. Plus, I gradually got the impression that she did not have room in her life for anyone but herself. That is a deal-breaker for anyone.
I noticed she was very comfortable with me...too much so at times. She felt it was Ok to hit me if she did not like something I said!!
Yeah, maybe its just as well that my arranged dates for her fell through...
November 13th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I agree with the askmen.com list and with chawan_cut. Also I would like to add that one of my pet peeves is when I ask a woman what she would like to do and she answers "I dunno, whatever you wanna do." I don't mind making the decision sometimes, but its irritating to have to make the decision all the time.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I think it's a bit harder for me to meet people because I'd like to ultimately be with someone who shares a similar faith and values. That narrows down the dating pool a bit.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:47 am
creative: i gotta agree on that one. a deal maker is decisive/strong minded/willed woman (but collaborative at the same time)
November 13th, 2008 at 10:04 am
A girl who would help me shoulder the load instead of BE the load.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I'd have to agree with Matt the Cat. I can't tolerate someone who lies and is inconsiderate to others. Basically, you want someone who treats you and others with respect but who is your equal (not someone who puts you on a pedestal... I mean, I understand the whole princess thing, but why would you want someone who thinks more of you than they think of themselves?).
November 13th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Deal breaker: someone who thinks they are being nice by saying, "Oh, I don't know...what do you want to do?" And then shoots down every suggestion I make.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:59 am
This is a bit off topic (but when am I ever not off topic? =D), but your friend mentioned that she does not want to settle... But isn't it true that girls who choose not to settle end up settling in the long run?
Many girls (and guys) who say that they don't want to settle are setting the bar really high and as a result will discard potential suitors because they do not fulfill a checklist. Marriage, you see, is not about fulfilling a checklist. As humans, we all are bound to fail one another sooner or later, but what keeps us together is love and a commitment to work things through.
As these girls let guys--who could very well be the one to care for them and make them happy--pass on by, they will get older and the older they get, their potential pool of male suitors shrinks. It's superficial but true that many guys want a younger woman and while you (not you, Cat, but any girl who is not "settling") may age, there will always be girls who are [fill in the blank] years old.
Some girls often say they want a guy who is richer, taller and smarter...but look at the flip side. That means they want a guy who is willing to settle for a girl who is poorer, shorter and dumber than they are.
Then one day they wake up and find out that it's getting too late and they rush out and find someone...settling for less than their original standards. I guess, for me it's not about quid pro quo or finding someone who matches this or that, but rather finding someone who you love. The rest will work out on its own.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
And, btw, I'm married, so I'm glad I'm don't have to worry about this stuff anymore! Whew!
November 13th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Amen, Frankie.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Accept the person for who they are, don't change them into somebody their not. I know someone who was engaged and she tried to change him and he broke off the engagement and relationship.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Frankie is all over it. I've been married over 19 years, when I was "hunting" in my early 20's, I had 4 superficial rules for a potential mate that I wasn't ashamed of then and not now: No kids, non-smoker, flat stomach, not a sexual prude...all else was negotiable (height, age, personality etc). I found a woman (who's now and has been, THE woman) who matched those four criteria and from there, we worked through "the negotiable's" for 2 years before getting hitched, been a great ride all the way. Back to Frankie's point, both men and women need to be aware that time marches on and the longer you go, the more likely you'll end up with Mr. / Ms. "good enough" as opposed to Mr. / Ms. "perfect"
November 13th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
thanks creative,
it is a 2 way street, and there has to be some give and take both ways. you can't be too strict and rigid either way or it won't work. you have to come to a common point and understand each other's ways and needs.
although i don't know why i say all this. i'm still single too.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
she doesn't like kids
November 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I think Scotty has it absolutely correct.
But, as long as we're playing the game, here are my choices for dealbreakers (ordered in importance), from AskMen.com's list:
10. She cheats.
4. She lies.
9. She has a substance abuse problem.
1. She doesn’t back you up.
5. She criticizes you.
2. She flirts with other guys.
6. She disappears without telling you.
3. She neglects you publicly.
8. She scolds you publicly.
7. She abuses you.
Good topic Cat.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Pauoa:
November 13th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Deal breakers (aka Minimum Requirements)
Physical: must be shorter and lighter than me (and have all limbs)
Age: half + 6 on the low side, + 4 on the high side
Education: GED (min)
Personality: not a mute (i hate carrying a conversation)
In the sack: 3 positions (min), no dead fish
Employment: full time or full time (college) student
Pets: no cats, loves dogs
I don’t think that’s asking too much.
LOL, that was funny Pauoa, but I will agree with the no dead fish remark. Cat, askmen.com did not have Sex, esp. lack of Sex as a deal breaker. This is the reason smart guys dont get married and just stay in committed relationships...cause if the GF dont put out enough, then they simply look elsewhere to fill their primal needs. But once you get married, the man no longer has the upper hand....unless he is willing to divorce and then start the process all over. For this reason, it doesnt make sense to get married in the first place. Chawan, take notes, dont get married, just get committed GF, you will be happier in life, trust me. b>
November 13th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Wow. This is a good topic. After 25 years of marriage I think the list of deal breakers would allow for a lot more leeway than would be tolorated in a couple of years or so of BF-GF living together. Add children to the mix, and you have to rachet it up by a magnitude or three. After kids, you are now family, blood related retroactively. And you know family is family forever, no matter what trouble or mistakes or afflictions or sorrows and joys or dreams may come. At this point just put any recriminations in a bottle and float them out on the tide. Duty calls and love conquers all.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Matt the Cat:
i'm 30 y/o and I live with my widowed mother. I pay all the bills and make sure she's ok since she has health problems.
does that make me a loser in your book?
*rolls eyes*
November 13th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Agree with bonar and Sebastian. Once was going out with a girl who had no personality of her own. She was really sweet and caring but had no backbone.
She would easily be persuaded by others and had little opinion of herself.
It was NO DEAL for me.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
From the not so great movie, The Suburbans, an older male musician told a young female fan something like, "although men will always be attracted to youth and beauty, what we are truely looking for in life is pure companionship.
November 13th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
...communication - someone to talk to and who will listen to me... sometimes.
...someone that shares my interests, or at least tolerates most of them.
...someone that includes me in their interests and activities, but doesn't require me to participate in all of them.
...someone that laughs with me, and not at me.
...someone that makes me a better person...
I don't mind if she flies off with friends and does her own thing once in awhile, as long as she reciprocates, and returns to this lowly bird, since (as you well know) ... penguin no fly.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Too many plastic parts.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I have two relatively contradictory deal-breakers. The first one being that the man cannot be threatened by a successful woman. This is not to say that I need to be that woman, just that I don't want somebody who, essentially, elevates his own sex to a level above that of women.
The second deal-breaker of mine is "manliness". I am attracted to men for the qualities that I, as a woman lack, not for qualities that I share with them.
Though, I suppose, the latter has its exceptions, in consideration of my last boyfriend (we were together for over a year), as he wasn't quite as masculine as I typically find most attractive.
I'm sure that I've missed many deal-breakers of mine, but generally, outside of the common personality traits-- funny, charming, kind, intelligent-- this is what I immediately think of.
November 13th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
bolt ons
November 13th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
#34 Bingo!
November 13th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
No loyalty
No integrity
Selfish, self centered
Drama Queen
Dumb dumb
Lazy
Has been around the block (bad reputation)
Bossy
Thinks she is all that
Ungrateful
High maintenance, even though I will take care of her
A woman who expects to be spoiled, even though I will spoil her
Hey, more then half of this list describes my ex. (ha ha).
November 13th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
When a woman thinks she's "hot s**t", it's such a huge turn off to me. I don't want anything to do with an arrogant girl. I like women who are open, kind, and understanding. If it means they tend to be not quite as good looking, so be it. It's all about personality.
Promiscuous women are also a deal breaker. How can I feel I have anything deep or meaningful with a woman that throws herself at anything on two legs?
November 14th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Hey Cat,
Great topic. A clingy relationship would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:39 am
A friend of mine who is a Clinical Psychlogist said he would never date a girl who had "baggage". I guess he meant, divorcees, kids, previous abusive relationships. He sees those problems almost every day and he just wouldn't want that in his relationship.
I guess he found one...he got married last year.
November 15th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Dealbreakers:
1) Serial monogomists: Those who CAN'T stay out of a relationship because they need to be with "someone."
2) Chicks who have dealbreaker lists.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Great topic. I am living with my boyfriend who not telling me the truth at all time and loves playing videogames online rather than spend time with me. We are living together for 4 months now. When we started dating, I felt he is the one, time tells, he has his own world and I am just someone who helps to pay rent.
I'm tired of spending energy figuring things out and excepting his videogames addiction.....that my deal breaker and I hope it's not too late now.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:42 am
FUGLY
November 17th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
anyone who watches useless reality shows that kill your intelligence level.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
OMG: You are not a loser, you are a saint.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I'm a bit of an amateur photographer. I went to Molokai with my girlfriend and took what I'd been told by others was a really nice picture. I enlarged it and printed it on nice paper and was really excited to show and give it to her.
When she first saw it, her exact words were, "Oh, that looks fake." Ouch! What a blow.
I'm also a bit of a car nut and I recently bought a new, pretty expensive, car that I've wanted for a while. Her first words on seeing it, "That car cost xxx dollars?"
Maybe I'm too sensitive, but "That's a great picture" or "I like your car" would have been entirely ok answers.