When did we get so rude?
October 29th, 2009 by CatA few weeks ago, I had asked — nicely — one of my student employees to tweak a design he was working on for me.
Instead of nodding his head and agreeing to make the change, he threw the design down and said, in so many words, "You do it."
I was shocked.
I had never talked to any boss, teacher or even adult — as much as maybe I would've wanted to — that way. Not only is it unproductive, it's just plain rude.
I've noticed that this condition — rudeness — isn't just confined to 27-year-olds at community colleges.
Incidents of rudeness abound, from Kayne West snatching the mic from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the recent MTV Video Music Awards to tennis champ Serena Williams getting disqualified from the U.S. Open for allegedly threatening a linesman who called a foot fault.
Kayne West ruining Taylor Swift's moment in the spotlight at the recent VMAs.
Serena Williams threatens a linesman at the U.S. Open.
A recent CNN article posed the question: Does American need a time-out? And if rudeness is a chronic condition, is there something we can do about it?
That question -- "is rudeness on the rise?" -- implicitly suggests that we might be in the throes of an epidemic, that rudeness is contagious. Such a diagnosis implies we're not rude until we "catch" rudeness from someone else. You can't help catching a cold right? And if someone's rude to you, you can't help being rude back, right? Wrong. This notion of contagious rudeness absolves us of responsibility.
What do you think?
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Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@thecatdish.com.
Tags: hawaii, Kayne West, MTV Video Music Awards, relationships, rude, rudeness, Serena Williams, Taylor Swift, toth, U.S. Open
October 29th, 2009 at 6:00 am
I don't think it's confined to 27 yo either. I notice my three year old granddau always tells me "wait grandma" when I ask her to do something.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:05 am
So funny that you posted this topic this morning. I just came out of a meeting this morning with two of my employees and am fuming because one of my "ASSistants" pitched a big fit because I asked him to redo a proposal because there were some spelling and factual errors. I tried to be nice but I finally told him, "Don't speak to me in that tone and you need to check your attitude at the door. Look, if you can't get the job done right the first time, you're going to receive feedback you might not like. Furthermore, I am paying you to do your job. If you do not enjoy your job, there are many, many, many people out there who will want your job."
I also think kids today feel very entitled and think they are very savvy when it comes to employment laws. When I worked in retail, we had a slew of employees calling HR complainging that their managers. One employee called HR because her store manager ( my friend) sent her home because she threw up in the fitting room. This employee came into work, still drunk from the night before and threw up not twice, but three times in the fitting room. She was suspended from work and she had the gall to call HR and lodge a complaint!
October 29th, 2009 at 6:23 am
I see it as rude people have an underlying "self-esteem" problem. If they don't see themselves as worth anything, then they'll take that out on other people. That and insecurity.
I don't think it's confined to just 20 somethings. I see it in middle-aged men and women, seniors (sometimes they're the worst!) and elementary school kids.
I guess there are so many reasons why people are rude at times... maybe the key is to shower them with kindness!
October 29th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I think the two video examples are in their own league, the pampered star/athlete who is never told "no", maybe even a cultural thing, but I ain't going to go there.....
Yes, civility is being lost today, but upon speaking with my folks about this recently, they said that things haven't changed much since their early days. In Hawaii, I found a lot of rudeness and, better stated, lots of attitude, from people. I think a lot of it is simply because people have to work so damn hard to make it in Hawaii, it finally wears on them and they can't pretend to be in a good mood, not tired of working 2-3 jobs, etc. Go to a smaller town, in Hawaii, or on the mainland and you'll find lots more decent and respectful people. It's a big city thing.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Good morning Cat!
It is all about respect. People seems to not respect authority, superiors, adults, elders and parents anymore. They have that "ainokea" attitude and everything is about "me". Maybe that's how we are evolving in this dog eat dog world....
I think too that we are losing our communication skills. We are taking less and less with texting, email, twitter, blogging, FB. People don't talk person to person anymore like before.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:45 am
i don't think it's new at all. but i always did wonder about people who are just mean. like, who are mean and don't care how they are affecting people. i wonder if those are people who are just super sad and lonely on the inside and it makes me care more.
but ya, scott you're right about working hard to be here. maybe it's a clash between people who don't have to work as hard and the people who do.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:46 am
@Scott - I think the mainland has a lot more ruder people. I find that people from the midwest and south are the most polite. I was in Portland a couple of months ago and found the people there to be so nice - it was kind of scary.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I hope you fired that student employee. He probably thinks his job is beneath him anyway and he should be doing better, more interesting things.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:46 am
More kids these days approach work as an entitlement to pay. As long as I show up, I get paid. The quality or volume of work does not matter. They're not seeing it as a stepping stone to self-improvement and a finer career, with real improvements down the road. Too much "in the moment", and not enough "big picture" thinking. They don't see it as putting their own stones in their life path.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Yesterday i was at the beach and was waiting patiently to shower when these kids came up and not only tried to cut in front of me but tried to wedge there way in on the people who were showering. i was kind of perplexed and couldn't believe my eyes. Finally i told the kids "Hey, you guys gotta wait your turn" which kind of stunned them. I wonder what kind of a parent would allow such rude behavior?
"Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it."
October 29th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Hawaii is generally more laid back than the mainland, but we are closing the gap, that is for sure.
It stems from isolation to me, when you insulate yourself from the outside world, you really don't care about other people's feelings....just yours.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I think "M" got it right. In general, American society is individualistic, so it makes sense that everyone is looking out for themselves. It's ingrained in our culture and it is human nature (survival of the fittest).
I also agree about the entitlement mentality of "keeds" in the work place as well. Most keeds decide to work because they want money. They go to work with continuous commitment which is an employee's perception of the cost of leaving the workplace. They feel that if they leave work, they will have no money to spend. This attitude and type of commitment is wrong because the employee is only working for money. They don't care about anything else but the two week paycheck.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:44 am
You find all kinds of people in your work place, your neighborhood, your social circles and even in your own immediate families. Some, you yell back and overpower them, others you talk nicely and sway them and a few (you will find them where ever you go), well, you leave them alone. You avoid them at all costs. Play stay away, stay far away as far as possible. They are rude. The exact word is vicious. They are going to fight back and rip you apart, if you allow.
That is my own experience.
I have a poster called Desiderata that I picked up on one of my trips to Las Vegas long ago. I read it from time to time to keep my sanity and self in balance. It is soothing when I read it. It goes as follows:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perenial as grass.
Anyway, it goes on and on. I don't know if it is appropriate, but I just wanted to share this with your readers, especially during these trying economic times. In the end it says:
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I
October 29th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Living in a Cleveland burb now, I do think that people in the midwest are pretty polite. Sometimes it goes too far like when I went to Bob Evans (semi decent midwest chain) this am and was greeted by my waitress (less that half my age), "What can I get for you dear?" I had never seen her before, but "Dear, Sweetie, and Honey" are heard a lot round these parts. There are also a lot of 'thank yous' and 'pleases.' But, when you read the blogs on cleveland.com (web site for our big local paper the Plain Dealer) you see rudeness, racism and more. I think internet anonymity has made it easier to be rude.
Other factors that contribute to rudeness are, first, what has been called an 'entitlement mentality' on the part of sports stars and celebrities and the disappearance of an old thing called shame. As our culture has become more and more brazen, particularly in entertainment, the concept of having a sense of shame has gone into hiding. At its worst this results in idiots like Rep Wilson yelling at the President "You lie!" I don't care if one is Republican, Democratic, Libertarian or Unitarian, that was just flat wrong.
So what can we do about it? Well, we can all be just a bit more civil. Truthfully even though we (and maybe especially I) kid around on these blogs we are usually pretty civil about it. We don't really want to cause each other any pain and we pretty much like each other. (I mean I still like Scott even though he stole Rosette away from me!) But, if we extended our natural 'niceness' out in the real world (yes, there is life outside of the blogosphere) things would be better.
Cat, if the dust has cleared, I would call that student employee aside and give him the opportunity to apologize or explain his action. I might open by saying, "Could you please tell me what happened and why your reaction was so strong?" Be sure and focus on the behavior, not the person. If you let it slide, you may be condoning the behavior. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem behavior, then perhaps he should be a 'former' student employee. He is not entitled to treat you that way. Here's hoping that he was just having an off day and that he will approach you on his own to offer an explanation/apology.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Good subject Cat.
We've had our share of experiences with 20-somethings who because they can program a computer think they know more - about everything - than people who have been in the business longer than these kids have been alive.
M and Cindy are right, it's about a lack of respect and immature arrogance.
What to do?
They need The Speech: if you don't like what we're telling you, there's the door get out. There are still terrific young folks out there as well. We'll get one of those dudes.
Learning the left hook, straight right combination is helpful as well.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I think this relates to people becoming ever-more self-absorbed and entitled. The more we think the world is ours for the taking, the less we realize our role as a member of a group (a family, a work place, a community) and the more we act rudely and insultingly toward others. In my opinion, so many of us today could benefit from a lesson in a humility.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
You'd think that a 27 year old who was mature enough to go back to school would also be mature enough to do what his boss asked of him! Maybe the guy had a bad day--but that's no reason for him to take it out on you. Being a pleasant co-worker and boss is part of being professional. Leave your personal crap at the door, and bust out only a little bit at lunchtime if you must!
If he's worth the effort, talk to him about his behavior. As Manoa Mist says, he needs "The Speech." Even if you're a star, prima donna attitudes aren't tolerated forever. Trying to get him to think about how he's presenting himself and treating others would be doing him a real favor.
If he's one of those guys who consistently complains to others that his his bosses are stupid, incompetent, etc. compared to him, know that he's toxic waste and get rid of him.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I have two boys that are still too young to drive, ages 15 and 12 years old. That means quite a lot of car-pooling with their friends' families to get them all from one activity/event to the next.
Almost all of their friends fail to utter a simple thank you when we drop them off at their homes. My wife and I point this out to our sons every time and explain how those two words make such a difference in our impression of their friends (and by consequence their friends' parents, too).
Simple courtesies, unfortunately, have become a rare thing today. If a sense of entitlement is fostered within the home, then it follows that that quality will be seen outside the home, as well. I see examples of "rudeness" everyday in many shapes and forms, whether it be in how a person drives their vehicle or in letters of solicitation or the absence of a friendly hand wave or nod of acknowledgement.
Both my sons are active in the Boy Scouts of America organization. It pleases me to see that the Scout Law, one of basic tenets of this organization, is being taught to young men in my neighborhood and in neighborhoods around the world. The Scout Law states that:
A Scout is:
Trustworthy
Loyal
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Thrifty
Brave
Clean,
and Reverent.
These are the values that, only a generation ago, everyone lived by, not just Boy Scouts.
While it is easy to point out deficiencies, I submit that it is critical that each of us stop to take the time to ameliorate these problems. Our children learn by example...it is the only way to teach these basic values.
Think about it, then do something about it...
October 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
@maxcat: about internet rudeness...I don't know if this link works but this cartoon made me laugh and makes your point.
http://comics.com/off_the_mark/2009-10-15/
October 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Thanks Midori-mm. The cartoon made me smile.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Aloha ~
When we nurture a society that is highly self-centered, immature, self-aggrandizing and all about ME, ME, ME ... what do we expect?
Let me use a couple of real life examples: it's illegal to drive and talk on a cell phone - simply because we might harm someone else. Yet how many people refuse to leave the phone alone when they drive? This is RUDE behavior because the talker is taking a risk with the life of another.
How about throwing a cigarette butt on the ground? Smokers do this all the time. They don't care if someone must pick up after them. Trash is another example of this type of rudeness.
When life is ALL ABOUT ME and we refuse to think and care about others, who is concerned with being rude?
A*L*O*H*A
October 29th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@Jaydee, you may be right about a self-esteem problem, but it's definitely not low self-esteem. It's more likely to be self-esteem in excess of what their abilities justify.
Excessive self-esteem frequently manifests itself in selfish, rude, boorish behavior.
I think we as a society are reaping what we've sown in trying to pump up kids' self-esteem whether or not there is any basis for that in reality.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
If they act like animals, then they will be treated like animals.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@E, I understand what you mean about Portland. Also, when people refer to the "mainland" as one place, that's inaccurate. I've lived in both places and I've seen small/middle sized towns that could put Hawaii to shame, in terms of the "Aloha Spirit", and big cities, like L.A. that surely live up to their reputation. I've been misunderstood on this blog before, but if you're going to refer to the mainland, maybe you can be more precise, unless you've never been there and don't really know what you're talking about.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU BITCH AT HIM..sorry pal you don't speak to me that way! IF YOU WANT THIS JOB DO IT THIS WAY!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
maybe he thought the desing was good and he work very hard..so he felt insulted.....temper tantrum.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
so after he toss it on the ground did you stomp on it ans said NOW IT IS TWEAK!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
then say I am sorry can you tweak it again..omg funny!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
This is a good topic.
I think manners in general are atrophying similar to the way society as a whole is becoming increasingly marginalistic...
Too much Facebook and Twitter remove most normal communication and threaten our general traditional methods of communication which necessitate politeness and respect...
October 29th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
stress makes a lot of people rude. and recently the whole planet has been under a lot of stress. i know i get insufferable when im stressed out. thats why i spend half the year in HN, my wife cant stand a whole year of ''mr. panicky boy,''
October 30th, 2009 at 2:14 am
Ohhhh this is a topic that has been bugging me, big time! There are 20 something year olds near me, that are very rude, and have no common courtesy. They think that its okay to take advantage of others like its their right to do so, like we owe THEM something. PUHLEEZ! They can't pick up after themselves, like take out their own trash or wash their own dishes!!! It isn't anyone else's responsibility to do their crap! One person in particular is told that the owner needs the washer/dryer or to wash their dishes, only to be ignored! In their OWN HOUSE!
There seems to be a whole lot more people being rude and self centered, but the younger generation in particular seems to have the DIVA mentality the most, I swear! They don't know how to work, and are on their cell phones even at work! Grrrr... you aren't getting paid to be on your cell in the store, you are paid to assist customers! geeeez! GAH! Cat, you and Bruddah Lance have a similar topic going on and I have so much to say since this really bugs me, so I better stop now! bahahaah...
October 30th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Rudeness in the workplace happens at all levels. I've had a Manager make a rude comment directed towards me but then said to/acted out towards a Consultant that I work with.
I wonder if we were to turn a mirror on this Manager...For her to see the way she really came off...Would she have changed her attitude and taken back what she said?
The Consultant told me what happened and I immediately felt upset about it, especially because that Manager has had a lot of people help her get her work done (namely me and the Consultant).
Rudeness happens. I suppose the best thing is to take a step back, breathe, and let that rude incident roll off your back. No sense in fueling the fire and being rude back. That rude person...That's his/her personality issue.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:52 am
grow some tough skin..let rudeness slide down.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:06 am
yes you got to learn to toughen up.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
It pays to be respectful of others.
I work at a local community college and I deal with all sorts of people. Local, mainland, and intl from all over the world. We got a few rotten apples that I gotta lay the law down to, and after I chew them up and spit them out... they respect me after that, because only then they realize that when you're in Hawaii, you don't treat others with disrespect..
A lot of these students that I deal with have been my bartender, waiters/servers at restaurants, they've worked behind the cashier counter at Zippys or Genki, they're my bank tellers, my travel agent, and another even recognized me while checking for a flight at Honolulu Airport. It almost always starts off, "Eh you work at da kine yeah?"
I try to remember faces with names, but it's difficult with the thousands that I see every semester. Luckily though, more often than not, they remember me and that's always a good thing.
October 31st, 2009 at 7:17 am
You need to teach this overgrown child, and that's what many of these people are, a little accountability. OK, if you're going to mouth off to your boss, there are consequences. go work somewhere else. If I find out that this person is applying for another job anywhere else, I'd make sure the potential employer knows "everything" about this problem child.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Rude is a leaky faucet, one drip at a time and only seconds apart. Like people it should be fixed.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 am
Rudeness is unacceptable behavior.
If you can't fix it, at least make it known that such behavior is rude.
Let's not allow rudeness to become acceptable and the norm, especially with "it's all about me" kids and students.
OH, and don't get me started on the respect/disrespect issue.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:00 am
"Whatever" is not acceptable, at least to me.