Those little white lies
November 9th, 2009 by CatI was watching — OK, re-watching and likely for the 17th time — "Dressed to Kill," a stand-up comedy performance by British comic Eddie Izzard.
One of my favorite lines from the show has to do with perjury:
"If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a s**t. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have Murder One, Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't."
He raises an interesting point: Deception has grades. Meaning, there's such as thing as a harmless white lie versus one that's more serious, more impactful.
I thought about this last night when I was throwing around a football with the BF. I had hurt my right shoulder awhile back — surfing — and it bothers me every now and again. Yesterday, after a few consecutive days of surfing, I was feeling the muscle tighten, as if saying, "You really don't want to use me right now."
I think he could tell that I wasn't throwing at my full potential and asked if I were OK.
"Yep," I said, quickly dismissing any notion that I could be hurt, injured or worse — being a wimp about my shoulder injury. "I'm fine."
Of course, I wasn't. And now I'm sitting at my computer the next morning, wishing I had prescription-strength pain medications — or, at the very least, a milkshake to dull the pain.
So I fibbed. Big deal. It's not the end of the world.
Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Berstein wrote a few weeks ago about lying to spouses. Like Izzard, she believes there's a clear distinction between fibbing and "the big, ulgy deal-breaking deceptions — lies that, if exposed, could destroy a relationship."
Why do we lie to our spouses, she asks: "We fib to avoid conflict. To gain approval. To save face. Or just to be kind. (Show me a man who tells his wife she looks fat, and I'll show you a man headed for a night on the couch.)"
She found that women were more open to revealing their little white lies than men — and there were plenty to go around. Here are a few examples:
The women I queried yammered on and on. They giggled as they told of lying to—or withholding the truth from—their partners about their dress sizes, the cost of their hair highlights, whether they got Botox injections or how much reality TV they watch.
"You mean the old 'new clothes out of the Nordstrom shopping bag into the cleaner's plastic garment wrap before you come into the house' trick?" asked a human-resources executive in San Francisco, who has been married for 37 years. "Well, obviously I plead guilty."
One woman told of ordering take-out food as a newlywed, then dumping it all in pots on the stove before her husband came home from work. Another said she waited three years before telling her husband she had dropped one of the diamond earrings he'd given her down the sink. (Each time he asked why she wasn't wearing them, she claimed they hurt her to wear.) Yet another told of a friend who pockets the money her husband gives her for a housekeeper and does the cleaning herself.
So what do you think about fibbing? Harmless? Good for relationships? Or is lying lying, no matter what?
And do you fib to your significant other? Your boss? Your best friend? Confess here!
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Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@thecatdish.com.
Tags: deception, Dressed to Kill, Eddie Izzard, Elizabeth Berstein, fib, fibbing, hawaii, lie, little white lies, lying, relationship, toth, Wall Street Journal
November 9th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I am pretty honest, mostly because at this point in my life, I don't see much advantage in lying. Should my circumstances change, I might find myself spinning more of a web of deception. I did sales work as part of a job I had a couple of years ago. I liked the work, but was very uncomfortable with specific instruction from the head of the company that it was my job to promise or say anything that might cause a prospective client to sign on the dotted line. It didn't fit my personal values, and I moved on.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:20 am
I don't lie. Ever. I never lie.
Now please excuse me. I need to do my second set of 1000 push ups and get ready for my photo shoot. I just got hired at a chest and abs model. Oh, my phone is ringing. It must be Playgirl calling again! Why can't they leave me along!!
November 9th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Good morning Cat!
I try my best to be honest. I always say that if you lie or fib, it will eventually come back and bite you when you least expect it. Most of the time you can't remember your lies and if it comes back later down the road you won't be able to remember what you said.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Remember if you lie the boogieman will get you.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:26 am
If the body hurts take action. It is a sign of something wrong. Health issues are nothing to lie about. If things get worst one cannot surf or throw a ball or even blog. Take time off to heal first. Watch some Doctors won't tell you everything there is to know about an illness. They sugar coat the fact and that is almost telling a lie. Was the lie worth it, ending up not being able to do the things you like to do?
Things tend to get worst once someone lies. You cover up to cover up and next thing you know you are telling the truth and in bigger trouble. Honesty is the best policy. One may be more lenient if one is told the truth and no lies.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I'm dealing with one now... a friend made a trip out of state with her sister to attend a relative's wedding. She had the ok from her hubby (who didn't accompany her) but he didn't want to tell his parents because they "would get upset?"
I was asked not to tell the parents anything (I talk with the mom on a weekly basis for business) but I kept on thinking "why would they get upset?" but kept my mouth shut.
Is my friend going to tell a white lie when she gets back home? I'm sure it's going to come out eventually and how are the parents going to feel when they found out that they weren't told ahead of time? Only time will tell...
November 9th, 2009 at 10:09 am
From the article you linked, "It's not a lie if you believe it ('Seinfeld''s George Costanza)." I think that is the mantra for many -- among them politicans, AIG execs (especially those who came up with credit swaps and derivatives) and some others. Seinfeld and shows like it are landmarks in our culture's loss of shame. But, that isn't what this blog is about.
So what do you think about fibbing? If it is don't to avoid hurting someone's feelings and the issue is really sensitive, then maybe it's okay.
Harmless? Like the guy said it is a question of degree. Basically with there are a few things like "You are not fat!" "You are gorgelicious!" "Yes dear, you look reaallly good!" when that is the expected response, well it's okay. But, beyond that I do not think it is harmless and one fib leads to another and another and one more and so on. It is the proverbial 'slippery slope.'
Good for relationships? Beyond the less harmful 'white' lies above, I do not believe it is good for relationships. I mean c'mon don't you want a relationship to be with someone special with whom you can be completely honest? I mean, before my wife passed away or during those times when I was not married and had an s/o, I valued those people because I could be completely honest with them. I was able to tell them things I could tell no one else. It's about trust, confidence, loyalty and sharing. Lying underminds those things. If I had not been honest, I don't think I would have ever been asked to go shopping (when she was going back for a second look). She really wanted my opinion and surisingly, she agreed and I was honest.
Or is lying lying, no matter what? Well, yeah, it is. Especially when you were raised Catholic. Guilt works and some 40 plus years since I was in Catholic elem school, it is still working.
And do you fib to your significant other? When I had one, I didn't. But, I fibbed in front of her, like when she wanted to return something to a store and I had forgotten the receipt, well let's just say I put on a lil clinic in fibbing about that receipt.
Your boss? Well, when my boss was drunk in Vietnam and got ahold of a weapon, we told him he was gonna kill one of us, but there was no clip in the weapon. And, I lied to one boss through my actions when I treated him like he actually had value as a human being. With 20/20 hindsight at that point in his career, I am not sure he did. And speaking of the finer points of fibbing, is it a lie when you try to be nice to people you really can't stand. My tongue -- which I bit on a few occasions when I wanted to say things but didn't -- says that was a fib by silence.
Your best friend? Hmmm, can't recall that I did, except maybe for saying I thought things would be okay or that they would work out when I wasn't sure they would, well, I confess to doing that. But, I erred toward fibbing to be supportive.
Confess here! Okay, Scott, I love you! But, Scott I am jealous, I never got a call like that, not even from Popular Mechanics. More confessions ... okay, I blog on other Tiser blogs. Still more, okay, I had a secret crush on Carole Kai years ago (early 70s) when she used to sing and dance at the Hilton. She was sooo hot!!! There I said it! But, I never ever had a crush on Frank DeLima!
November 9th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Scott,
You're not lying, you're dreaming!!! Oops, gotta go, phone ringing, I think it's the NFL again, I already told them 50 mil a year is not enough!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Basically, I think it is best not to lie. Not only can it come back to bite you but it will raise doubts about your credibility and who knows when you will need people to believe you. Telling the truth is like buying insurance on your character. But, I have told white lies that I know are harmless to make other people feel better about themselves or to avoid confrontations and, like Cat, I play and work through pain. Not wise and I don't know why I do.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I believe to survive life, white lies are important. Optimistism could be considered a white lie. I sometimes look at it as being supportive and even if i truly do not believe what i am saying, I do believe the person may believe what I am saying and make it come to life (power of the secret)
When it comes to my relationship, its a lot trickier. My other half prefers that I tell the truth no matter what. If you look fat then say it. I'm still not comfortable with that, but I learned to adapt in my relationship. I have to admit, sometimes it hurts the other way around.
Lastly, like Suze Orman believes, to get out of financial dept, you MUST be honest with your partner about your financial situation. I totally believe that if you have a personal life goal, you must be completely honest with those around you so that they understand and are able to support you in reaching your goal.
So back to the question "So what do you think about fibbing?"
Fibbing is part of human nature whether you admit it or not. Yes, there are degrees to fibbing but the more important question is "Are you fibbing for selfish reasons or to benefit the other person?"
November 9th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
My wife asked me if I thought she was getting fat, I told her everybody has a weight range and she is at the high end of her's. She said that it was a b.s. answer, I should have just said no!
November 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
aloha Cat,
It's a great topic. A little lie in the heat of the moment is harmless enough. For your part, you wish the arm were better, as if not to trample on his expectations of a great game. Like bad music, there's no place to run when hurt happens. Both music and pain require truth; a captivating story generally requires lies.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Liar liar pants on fire!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I'm getting too old to remember lies, so I just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may: "Does this dress make me look fat?"; "You mean you actually think she's attractive?" "How many Martinis have you had?" "Would you remember our anniversary if your office didn't call to remind you?"
November 9th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I just remembered the time Jerry Seinfeld was on Leno. They were talking about Bill Clinton lying about Monica. Jerry said "So he lied about sex. People lie during sex!"
November 9th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I'm a salesman. I never lie.
'Nuff said.