ASK DR. DISH: Cohabiting before marriage
November 11th, 2009 by CatQuestion: I'm not sure if you have answered this question before, but it's been something me and my girlfriend have been talking about for a few months now. She wants to live together, but I don't know. I've never lived with a girlfriend before. We've been together for about a year now and she says it would be better for our relationship if we got our own place together. What do you think about that?
Answer: First off, if you have any reservations about this decision — and it sounds like you are — you need to talk about it with your girlfriend. Communication is the key here. Don't do something you're not 100 percent sure about. It's not fair to either of you.
Now, onto the question of cohabiting before marriage.
Interestingly enough, data shows that the divorce rate is higher among those who lived together before marriage. Sounds counterintuitive, right? I mean, don't we get to know a lot about each other when we live together? Wouldn't we be better prepared for married life having had a few years under the same roof?
The problem arises when the couple has different expectations about cohabiting. One may think this is taking the relationship to the next level while the other agrees to move in together to save money. Obviously, they're both viewing the relationship — and the decision to live together — differently and that could lead to problems down the road.
But according to recent research — or, I should say, better analysis of existing data — cohabiting may not be the leading cause of divorce among opposite-sex couples living together.
It's a popular decision: About 70 percent of couples are cohabiting before marriage. In fact, cohabiting couples in 2007 now make up almost 10 percent of all opposite-sex U.S. couples, married or unmarried, reported the U.S. Census Bureau.
So what does this mean: Do it for the right reasons — or at least the same reasons as your girlfriend. It's a commitment — and it could end badly. Be prepared. Talk about the decision and don't take it lightly. Take it from me, breaking up is far much harder when a lease is involved.
Anyone else got something to add?
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Tags: advice, Ask Dr. Dish, cohabitating, couples, hawaii, love, married, opposite-sex couples, relationship, toth, U.S. Census Bureau, unmarried, USA Today
November 11th, 2009 at 2:33 am
Hmmmm, at first I was a little surprised when I read this statement: "Interestingly enough, data shows that the divorce rate is higher among those who lived together before marriage." But, then thinking about it am wondering if the situation is that simple.
Seems to me that there may be at least two distinct groups who cohabit. The first group is just a group -- perhaps like the person who wrote the question -- where a male and female decide to cohabit and there is not necessarily a commitment to marry or maybe not much commitment at all. The second group might be a bit different, namely a male and a female who have decided to marry or who are genuinely committed to each other. In other words, in one case cohabiting is just that, living together with or without 'benefits' while the second group is cohabiting with commitment. Am, I just too far out there on this?
Oh, and BTW, the guy who wrote definitely does not sound like he wants to live with this woman.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Hi Cat! my first question, is the person who wrote/asked the question male or female?For some reason,when i first read it i thought it was about 2 girls.hmmm...must be the world we live in nowadays.Anyways... Regardless ,my answer/comment is still the same----its all about toilet seats.Conquer the toilet seat situation and its smooth sailing from there.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I take the old fasioned approach and say save it til marriage. The living together, that is. Something seems spoiled by knowing that the other person has played husband-wife already.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:34 am
If he has to ask the question then he really doesn't want to live with her. Already sounds like their expectations are going in opposite directions.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:59 am
When you are living together as BF/GF, you're essentially married--without the financial obligations--but you're also not. You don't have the same level of commitment, that paper tying you together before law or the oath you took before friends, family and whatever religion you profess to be there for each other always, come hell or high water. So when things don't work out, it's easy to just pick up, pack up and leave.
What happens when people live together and then get married? That whole we're-together-but-not-stuck-together attitude gets transferred to the marriage, and there's less desire to work things out and be together to the end. If you add the number of cohabitating couples that break up and move out to the divorce rate, it's boogamooga double decka hecka higher than the divorce rate of those who lived together AFTER getting married.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:23 am
I think frankie nailed it, especially with his second paragraph. The living together attitude is an extension of playtime. That's not committment.
Moving in with your partner is easy. Getting married is easy. Staying together is hard work. The cohabitation setup is a way to slip around that "hard work" part.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:27 am
The concept of trying to stay together simply because you're legally tied together seems wrong. When the love is gone, the love is gone. Society (and religion) shouldn't try to influence couples to try and stay together because of a legality (or a religious rule). I sure wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who later decided she didn't want to spend her life with me. And the argument that you should stay together for the kids is an even worse reason. Amicably divorced parents are better than married parents who can't stand each other and it shows.
As for living together, if you both want to do it, do it. If you want to marry, marry. The two are separate.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Lived with my wife for 5 years before we got married. If you ask me, I think it was a great idea. If you ask her, she'll say it's the reason she had to wait 5 years instead of being married sooner.
If you can't live together before you're married, you won't be able to live together after. Marriages fail because of the people involved and what they believe in, not because they live together or not.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
WWJD?
November 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
well I was 22 and my husband was 23 ..he wanted to be together...well then I ask my dad's aunt her opinion and she said just get married or you will never marry...GET IT OVER WITH ! after four months we got married ... lucky for me he is not a dud and I try to train him to do my way.
I didn't want to move in I figure if we have a baby OH DEAR bad enough my family drives me crazy then add that to list ! at least this way I don't have to explain why we are not married etc etc.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
you will always have options to divorce but is is more costly.. so take your pick.!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
maybe the guy will never be ready so she can find someone else!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
if you are married and have A BABY and the guy leaves you can hunt him down! SHEESH......or whatever you do find a guy that loves you and train him to do your way.....!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
if you do it, start on neutral ground, if possible. if neither owns a house, move into a new apartment together instead of him into her place, with it's stuffed animals, small dogs, overstuffed sofas, collection of John Cusack movies, fridge full of gingermolassescupcakeswithcreamcheesefrosting and surfboards - or her into his place with its dirty underwear,month old pizza boxes, collections of old issues of 'TAPOUT', fridge full of moldy katsudon and surfboards. and remember: true love means being able to fart in bed at 3am and not having to say you're sorry.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
YES this is one of those headaches.....to move or not to move!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
yes YOU ADD THE DOG AND STUFF ANIMAL WHEN HE IS NTO LOOKING!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
hint the dog and stuff animal is more snuggly when he drives you crazy!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
THE DOG SMELLS BETTER TOO BECAUSE I BATH MY DOG OFTEN and he hardly farts!..omg funny!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
on this veterans day, i salute Rosette's husband: a soldier's soldier.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Cohabitating is a potentially great next-step for couples who have established serious and somewhat long-standing relationships with one another. It provides you an opportunity to figure out how well you really work together when the reality of life settles in -- dirty dishes, bills, leaky faucets, family visits, etc. Personally, I would want to live with someone before marrying them. And I would only cohabitate with someone whom I thought I was nearly ready to marry, too!
When cohabitating doesn't work, however, is when it becomes so comfortable that the relationship stops progressing. One or both of you might stop trying to maintain the spark, or you might lose any incentive to marry, essentially living like two separate single people. Or maybe you just settle and marry the person anyway because it's the next logical step, even if you've realized that you two aren't the ideal match.
It's risky, but if you are smart about it, I think cohabitating can be an excellent addition to a strong, healthy relationship.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
turk fontaine wrote:
true love means being able to fart in bed at 3am and not having to say you're sorry.
Max replies:
...or instead of not having to apologize, being able to laugh hysterically when she starts to cry foul from the smell! LOL!
November 11th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
After years of co-hab, the guy just wants her to remain the same after the wedding date, same looks, same everything, just don't change. the girl thinks, I can change him after we get married. She dreams, hopes and wish for him to change into the guy she wants him to be. Twenty, thirty years later, he still wishes (silently, of course) that she would be that person he married 20-30 years earlier. That's why men will always be aroused by youth and beauty.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
"That's why men will always be aroused by youth and beauty".....yes until common sense sinks in ....STOP GIVING THAT GUY VIAGRA !! OMG FUNNY!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Oh turk, thanks for the belly laugh! Glad I was browsing.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I will always be aroused by youth and beauty no matter what. It's easy to throw stereotypes and a semi-silly topic like this, but you find the right person, and it's all good, for rich or poor. Those words do hold meaning to those of us who have spoken them.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:01 am
the only thing that would arouse me more if the kid is young smart then got the brains to go with that beauty!
"youth + beauty + brains = money! so you don't suffer get divorce dirt poor!"!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:02 am
yes it will arouse me more when I am stuck seniole in the old folks home THNE I get the bath time from the hot stud..OH DEAR ..omg funny!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:04 am
beauty is not everything..........okay let me think about that when SOME HOT STUD is wheeling me around in the old folks home! HEY YOUNG HOT STUD YOU WANT TO COHABIT FOR RICHER OR POORER..oh yes that will smart way...!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:06 am
yes that is one way to get divcorce after forty years of marriage chasing after the hot babe huh!
THIS SHOULD BE CALLED YOU WANT TO CO HABIT HOT STUD BEFORE YOU GET OLD and stupid!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:08 am
DONT" WORRY your eye sight and hearing will eventually fail you so lets see if you can spot beauty from afar!
November 12th, 2009 at 5:12 am
that is why you buy the dog and the stuff animal to quit your youth and beauty search!
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2432/4098448822_9f7ef65120_b.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2518/4098449456_e103fc9131_b.jpg
November 12th, 2009 at 5:14 am
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2691/4097694631_3a7338d0c5_b.jpg
November 12th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Dating website reveals 'ugliest people in the world' ....here that is why they end up looking for date in the "elite dating site" becasue HINT THEY HAVE ATTITUDE ISSUES! I wonder how many end up and live happily ever after? I wonder if the baby is cute...oh dear two beauty match then they ULGY KID..so go open the ugly meet ugly elite site !
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/091111/odds/odd_us_ugly_dating
November 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am
HOW TO COHABIT AND BE UGLY NEXT TITLE!
November 12th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I think the draw the line of ugly..you know the drunken abusive guy who never heard of toothbrush and soap! NOW THAT IS A DUD UGLY GUY!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:39 am
My older son moved in right away with his girl friend whom he met on Oahu before getting married. Knowing him, he knew she was the right person. He saved money on rent and living expenses and was most likely stashing the money away in savings. They got married, moved to Hilo and with a full-time mom and an 8 month old son, he was able to purchase their own home by himself without asking for help from his parents (not yet anyway). He moves in to a brand new air conditioned 3 bedroom home with two baths in a private culdesac this weekend. The timing couldn't have been any more perfect: he has the eight thousand dollars tax credit for new home buyers and he is getting the house for at least 15 percent below the top market price of homes selling in the area.
I am not making judgement on their co-habiting. One thing I know. He did a complete turnaround in his personality meeting his future wife. He is more civil, and more warm and open now. It is amazing what a woman can do to a man, like what Rosette is to her husband. Right Rosette?
@papaya. You couldn't have said it any better.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
@ Rosette... I think you've broken your own posting record! LOL!
November 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Just some observations over the last couple of decades watching couples and relationships in general. A wise friend told me that he once read that men marry thinking the woman will never change, and women marry thinking the man will change, and both of them are wrong. Many men will not commit once they are getting the milk from the cow for free, why should they have to? Back in the day, if you wanted some "milk" you'd have to get married or spend some time in the brothel. Either way, you'd have to pay. Women give it up and over too easily, this is part of the problem. And this is too small a space to go over this topic, that's why there are books on the subject. Relationships take a lot of work and investment, married or not. And it's too easy to bail out and just look over your shoulder for the next thing that's coming.
December 11th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Seems like you are a true expert. Did ya study about the subject? haha..