Friends after 30?
November 16th, 2009 by CatI came across a column on The Frisky last night about friendships after turning 30.
The writer laments that, on her 30th birthday, she felt like she was losing more than just her youth, she was losing that connection between her thirtysomething friends.
I have a few single friends, sure, and they’re awesome. But while I know life isn’t a race and I truly don’t feel like I’m competing, I feel strangely “behind” the vast majority of my friends in the personal life department. It’s not that I’m jealous or that I desperately wish I were getting married or having a baby right now—remember, I almost was married and am grateful not to be. But I also feel a little disconnected from them. I crave a core group of girlfriends that feel like family, but the ones I want that with, well, they all have their own families to build. They have couples dinners to attend, a bazillion weddings to fly to, and pre-natal vitamins to take. They’re getting winter ski houses and taking anniversary vacations.
I can somewhat relate.
I remember hitting 30 and realizing I was now the age my mother was when she had me. And I was her third child.
Looking around, most of my friends were married, nursing newborns, taking their older kids to soccer practice, running their own businesses, paying month mortgages on top of students loans and car payments.
What was I doing? Renting a cottage in Kaimuki, surfing every morning, hoping my Honda Civic would start and wondering if I was allergic to marriage.
All of a sudden, I couldn't relate to my married friends who discussed home equity loans and diaper rash.
But I wouldn't say my friendships suffered because of our different life paths.
In fact, I grew to admire and adore my friends even more, listening to them affectionately recount their child's first words or complain about rising healthcare costs. It's like we had all grown up together, living in the world of our parents. And instead of feeling sad or left behind, I feel all the more excited about what's to come for me. (Not so much the diaper rash, but the other stuff.)
Sure, it's harder to relate to friends whose lives don't mirror your own. But traveling along my own life path has allowed me to appreciate the history we all share as friends, to look forward to the continued evolution of our friendship and — let's be honest — to make new, different (maybe single) friends to take this journey with.
Have your friendships changed after turning 30? And what's the secret to staying friends once we start taking different paths in life? Possible?
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Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@thecatdish.com.
Tags: friendship, hawaii, marriage, relationship, single, The Frisky, toth, turning 30, women
November 16th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Yep, I have a whole new bunch of friends. Both in real life and virtual (you guys on the blogs)
It's not the same whenever we bump into old classmates and guys we used to hang out with. We enjoy reminiscing about the old days, but end up talking about our kids and work and a few memorable incidents
that happened way back then.
November 16th, 2009 at 5:52 am
I remember (on the blogs) when Cat turned 30. Ah, memories. I'm turning 30 in 5 weeks and I totally understand you Cat. Maybe this new BF (not Banana Fysh) will be the one and you can have twins, buy a house you can barely afford, and start to grow grey hairs like the rest of your friends. I only have one true guy friend in this world, and my wife doesn't have any real friends her age, besides her sister. It's all family all the time, and it's great at this stage in life.
November 16th, 2009 at 6:37 am
All of my friends are either married with kids or in long term relationships. I'm the only irresponsible, single one. I have never felt that I was losing the connection with my friends. In fact, I think we are closer than ever! Like any relationship, the trick is to have a fine balance - who wants to talk about diapers and mortgages and soccer games all the time? When my married friends and I get together, it's like we're still in high school and we do stuff that we'd enjoy. Of course we don't see or talk to each other every day, and that's ok, because it makes the time we spend together even more special. Sounds corny, but true.
In fact, I spent this weekend with a friend whom I've known from intermediate school and her two young children. I had a blast with them. I love kids - they're fun and they let me be pretty immature. The best part of it was that my friend got a break from the kids and I got to give back her kids at the end of they day.
November 16th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Cat, among my friends, I'm one of the last (or last) to be single (and getting close to 50). The 30's are a distant memory but I never felt excluded. there were times when they would talk about things that I couldn't relate to like trying to get their kids into a good preschool but I never felt excluded. Sure things change but there has always been things that kept us close over the years. For example my high school friends had a softball team that has been playing together close to 25 years now. Some of my college friends still get together and play poker. What's change is that 25 years ago the poker would be monthly and planned 3 or 4 days in advance now poker is quarterly and planned 6 to 8 weeks in advance.
November 16th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Good morning Cat!
My friends has changed the older I get. Many has move to the mainland and over the years we have lost touch with each other.
I send most of time with family when I'm not working now days. I don't see my friends to often.
I made many new friends from the blogs and met some IRL and always look forward to our blog get togethers.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I'm a couple years away from 30, but I've also seen a distinct change in some friendships I've had. My two best friends and I are still single so we have the flexibility to get together without much notice. But my married-with-kids friends need more notice before we get together. Even then, sometimes it doesn't work out because of family obligations. I used to be really bummed by that but now realize that's just life. No need to get upset. Like E said, it makes the time we do spend together a lot more special and meaningful.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:07 am
I'll be turning 30 next year, so I'll let you know!!!
November 16th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I'm in my mid-20s, but I completely understand what you're saying. Many of my childhood friends have gotten married or now have children, while I'm still single (by legal definitions), and I don't want to get married or have children. It's hard to relate, especially if you don't want the same things for yourself.
I tend to make friends with people who are younger or much older than I am. Most of my friends are in their 40s, and most of their children are grown up, so no mommy and daddy talk.
Younger friends are also great ... they allow you to unapologetically cut loose. They also remind you of how great getting older can be because you learn when to cut off the alcohol
)
November 16th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Haha, I am too old to comment. I won't tell what birthday I just had, but one of my 20 something friends sent me this song on FB:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGtSpsYURAQ
A hundred and something years ago when I was in my 20s I had friends who were single and friends who were married. It really didn't seem to matter, I hung with both groups. You know what, it still doesn't matter and I can hang with both groups. Have been fortunate to have been many places and have friends in each. Now, we are all living in different places and sadly more than a few have passed. But, my friends are still my friends. Within the past two months two of my old college buddies -- c/o 67-- have been here. Ha, one is on his third wife. I think the key issue is to appreciate the friends that you have. If you can't be close enough to appreciate them in person, then appreciate them via phone, FB or email. And, when the time comes that you need to be there for them, be there!
November 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I grew up with a large, large family... nephews and nieces all around--even one older than me! I know that I don't want that for myself. My lifestyle is a little too nomadic in terms of traveling. My side profession takes me away too often and spur of the moment to be able to affectively parent kids. So, being in my early-40s, I am happy where I am, and have no regrets not getting married (well--legally, cohabiting for 19 years probably counts, LOL!)
Funny though, I'd have to agree with a lot of people here who say that nothing really changed in their relationship with their friends with kids. Perhaps if I were single or didn't own a home or run my own business, or any other things that made me different, things might be... hmmm!
It's also funny that I have had the e-mail discussion with a friend of mine in her 30s who is facing exactly the same situation of being single, renting, etc., and was feeling her biological clock ticking.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Hey Cat,
I can totally relate....I'm 31 and it just hit me starting last year (when I turned 30!). I'm single, no bf right now and a large majority of my friends are married and just had their first child. Gone are the UH tailgating days, the weekly happy hours after work, and the mainland ski trips/fun trips. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life! I think the worst part is that now my friends all get together regularly so their babies can play together, but i'm not excluded since I'm childless =( I need to start looking for new friends, but at the same time I feel like I'm being left behind.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Those with single, eligible, female friends in their 30s or approaching 30, please feel free to contact me to arrange the introduction.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I'm not 30something yet, (getting close, 27) but I do know a few things about friendships. They change over time... several of my friends are married with children, and we still get together, not as much as we used to, but our conversations have shifted, we aren't talking about who's dating who anymore but rather who's baby is on the way, or who's baby is turning one. It's that common experience we had in high school or college that binds us. It's always nice to revisit that once in a while. and I completely agree with Cat, I admire my married or parent friends who are showing me the way when it comes to what life may have in store for me... It's an exciting prospect for the youngest son from Kaneohe... although let's not rush into things... I still want to enjoy the last 2 and a half years of my twenties...
)
NEO
November 16th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Older people who have gone through life's ups and downs will tell you that if you have one true friend in your life, you are lucky. If you have two true friends, you are blessed.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I'm still a singleton...and yes, my relationships with my friends changed. I could go on for days about how these changed and what was the catalyst (usually kids, trying to have kids, or both). I've kept most of these friends, but for the most part have had to adjust and make new friends--often people younger than I am because there are more singletons to hang out with in that pool.
At this point in my life, it leaves me wishing that I had more in common with my old friends. BUT...my single life has given me so many more opportunities that I would never have experienced if I had gotten tied down like them. So there's a give & take. If I could find a guy who lives as full a life as I do, I'd be set!
November 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Very true Jorge.
My father always said my friends would f_ _ _ me up. Of course, I was 16 at the time, and Pops was right.
The best thing about getting older is that you learn to choose your friends much more carefully. You learn you don't have to live like a ref-u-gee, and you don't have to hang around people that not only remind you of what Pops said but who are just toxic in general.
I've come to embrace the freedom of the Lone Wolf. But yes, what Jorge says is spot on. Guess I'm blessed.
November 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Hi Cat. nothing wrong with staying young at heart. Isnt there an old saying about "older" people keeping young by having young friends.? Nothing wrong with having young friends. And nothing wrong with staying friends with one's ol' chums.Even if its on a more limited basis.Nothing wrong period with having friends....no matter what the age.Too much emphasis in our society about age.and geesers being "old school" and on and on. Forgot the question already. Where's my car keys....
November 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
and another thing.....Its not just age that can make one distant with friends,"ol buddies. Going to school-higher education,work,moving to mainland for financial reasons,etc.etc. Thats why these internet social networks have mushroomed as of late,and telecommunications are sky rocketing.One doesnt just have to call on holidays and birthdays anymore. The times they are a changing......
November 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
.......or something.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
oldshoes...is that you Rosette?
November 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
remember Cat... you can pick your friends... you can pick your nose... but you can't pick your friends' nose... or can you???!!?? ;o)
November 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Scott: TWINS? I'm in pain just thinking about that...
Erica: Congrats on turning 30 soon. You know, honestly, it wasn't that bad. People were telling me that I would freak out and cry incessantly. But it wasn't a big deal. Probably helped that I had the stomach flu and I was throwing up everything I tried to eat, including a cheesecake my mom had made for me.
My advice: Plan a party. Actually, that's my advice for anything!
November 16th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Thirty was a long time ago for me. My friends were getting married and starting families. I was getting divorced, having been married for seven years already.
I had no children, so I went to graduate school. I did lose touch with a lot of them because I was going in the opposite direction - back to a college life, apartment, partying while they were buying houses and becoming parents.
It was a strange time. My new friends at school were younger than I by five to seven years. Sometimes I felt I was staying too long at the fair.
But then I met another grad student who was doing exactly the same thing I was; going back to school after seven years of marriage. Like me, she had no children from her marriage (she had gotten married at 19, me at 22)
Long story short, she and I have been married 25 years and have a son 23. We barely got in under the wire. I was almost 40 when our son was born and she was in her mid 30s.
In many ways it was good to be older parents. We were more mature, more financially secure, and had more understanding about what children need, and certainly more patience.
When my son was young I would think about the fact that some of my friends from earlier days were now the parents of grown children, and I was just beginning.
I'm glad we were older parents There's a lot to be said for waiting to settle down and get serious about bringing someone else into the world.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Sadly, my friends who got married in their 30's are now divorced with children.
Which has, strangely, reconnected us again.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Who has time for friends with running a business, having a day time job and too many hobbies (fishing, RC heliciopters and planes, just started indoor hydroponic LED gardening) and my wife is pregnant so we're setting up the nursery also. Really who has time for friends because I have to do this or that for all of the above.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I am definitely savoring every little bit of it. I have you bookmarked to find out new stuff you post.