ASK DR. DISH: Once a cheater
By Cat
Question: I found out my boyfriend of nine months (I know, not that long) cheated on his girlfriend before me. When I confronted him, he denied it at first, but then he admitted to it later. My best friend said that I can't trust him because once a cheater, always a cheater. Is that true? He said he'd never cheat on me...
Answer: Been there, heard that.
I've gone out with at least one guy (that I know of) who's cheated on his girlfriend. And that didn't sit well with me at first. But I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt — to a fault! — and figured he might be different with me, he might've changed.
Well, he eventually cheated on me, too.
I hate to say once a cheater, always a cheater. I do believe people can change. But I'm more concerned with the fact that he lied about it. Maybe he was embarrassed to tell you. Maybe he didn't want you to worry. I don't know. But the bottom line is he should've been honest about what happened, regardless of the outcome of that admission.
In the end, if you're going to make this relationship work, you have to trust each other. Because if you don't have that, you two won't survive. But don't be naive, either. No one deserves to be disrespected like that.
Any other thoughts?
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Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@thecatdish.com.
The Daily Dish
November 18th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Maybe they were on a break, like Rachael and Ross?
Any guy who double dips is bound to do it again, unless he found religion. Cause' we all know religious people are straight as an arrow right, Ted Haggard?
November 18th, 2009 at 5:13 am
You're right, the clincher;: he lied about it. People tend to do what they've done before, in life or in love. Men and women cheat for different reasons.Like BONNIE RAITT says:"Men play at love for sex. Women play at sex for love."
November 18th, 2009 at 6:08 am
It's about who people are, not who they were. However... if he lied about it already, that means he's still partly that guy who cheated on his girlfriend.
November 18th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Good morning Dr. Cat!
If they cheated and/or lied about it, that will always be in the other persons mind. Relationships is about trusting each other. It will be hard on the relationship if one knows the other cheated in the past or lied about it.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Dear women:
Once a cheater, always a cheater....sounds about right.
Men.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Seems about right. A person's ability to say "no" is a much better guidepost than that person's inclination to go looking.
November 18th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Another red flag... guys who defend or rationalize another guy's cheating are probably cheaters too. Will be interesting to see the comments from guys in this thread, LOL!
Definitely the critical piece of info here is that he denied it at first. You can always say, I don't want to talk about it, then later (very, very soon however) talk about it honestly... but certainly don't lie about it.
November 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Always give the benefit of a doubt. Have you ever made a mistake in your life and have you ever denied the truth to someone to prevent being written off before given a chance? People make mistakes, learn and grow from them. But until they make the mistake on you personally, its unfair of you to judge them, isn't it?
The lying part is wrong but reminds me of a past blog "Those Little White Lies". If I were you, I'd think about his intentions for denying. Was it to fool you so that he can cheat on you, or was it like Cat said, that he was embarrassed and thought that you would judge him before giving him a chance? Only way to find out for sure is to wait and see for yourself.
On a side note, I was once in your situation and learned that when confronting your partner, its very important how you bring it up. Most people become defensive if you just blurt it out especially when it comes to a third party relaying information to you. If you found out someone was talking about you, and that person was confronting you, would you honestly be a little defensive? Perhaps talking about the topic of cheating and allowing the other person to express their feelings towards the issue first before bringing up the heavy ammunition of who said what and why and when would be more effective in communicating.
November 18th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
How did u find out that the nine month b/f had was a prior cheater? i really dont like to label people.And if they have a clean slate with me,i'll give some benefit of the doubt.But the fact is,regardless that the past is the past, said person lied to the new g/f. A huge no no. More than enough to raise some red flags.
November 18th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Cheaters never win!
November 18th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
if you aint cheatin', you aint tryin'
nah nah nah (I just like saying that)
every new relationship is a tabula rasa, so the cheater shouldn't necessarily get dinged for cheating in the past. however, the new significant other would be stupid to not, at least, be on the lookout for similar behavior in the present/future.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
It wouldn't have been so bad if he was up front about it. Since he wasn't, you should dump the loser because if he's going to lie about that, I can almost guarantee that he will do it again if he isn't already cheating on her. The trust and communication in that relationship is gone now since he couldn't be open and honest about it, so she should move on and find someone better that's never cheated in the first place.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I'm with Creative. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if he had been honest about it from the start. Part of changing is admitting your faults and actually doing something about them.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
sorry, this one isn't going to have a good outcome. get out now. please.
also wish it wasn't so politically incorrect to have some kind of message board for cheaters so us women can browse it before we start dating a guy. like, to see if he's on there.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
who wouldn't lie about it? who would want to be labeled a "cheater"? it's more common than people want to admit, yet the stigma that comes with the label is pretty harsh. try this on:
girl: Honey, did you ever cheat on any of your ex's?
guy: Yes I have!
I don't think that comes off any better. The truth is that people can't handle all the truth and are better off not knowing some things about each other. If he's a good guy, don't bother asking. if he lies he's a liar. if he's cheated before then he's a cheater. it's a no-win situation, so unless you are looking for a reason to end it, don't ask.
November 18th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@cw - Politically incorrect or not, there IS a website like the one you're describing. It's http://www.dontdatethis.com and apparently there's a listing for both guys and girls.
November 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Guys can change as they mature, get older and settle down.
But some guys are incorrigible.
We named one of our friends Snake, cause he was always sneaking around in the grass. Fooled around with his sister in law, his wife's coworker (she'd come to our house and run her fingers thru Snake's hair when the wife wasn't looking) and he even called one of our other friend's wife at work to ask her to go to lunch - which we knew he was hoping would turn into a case of afternoon delight.
The wife told her husband, and he asked us boys if Snake's phone call was reason for justifiable beefing.
We said, nah, that's just Snake. That's how he is. He's gonna try and hit everything he can. That's how he gets his lifetime thrills.
Bottom line: agree with Aaron. Everyone says they want the truth, but most people can't handle it, just like Jack Nicholson said.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:19 am
...but actually the g/f already knew the truth when she confronted the new b/f in this instance. "i found out my b/f cheated on his g/f before me." So its best to come clean when the other party already knows the truth.Remember the ol' tangled web addage.Maybe have the abuse excuse or something on the ready.Or the other standard excuse "we were drifting apart ,the relationship was pretty much over already.blah blah.or for the yuppies--yada yada yada.
November 19th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Like Robert DeNiro said, "Sometimes the little head tells the big head what to do".