ASK DR. DISH: Texting = cheating?
By Cat
Question: I have a simple question: is texting another woman cheating? I think you have written about this before, but I just got into a huge argument with my husband about this. Where's the line?
Answer: This is not a yes-or-no question; there are so many factors to consider. Is he texting her sexually explicit or even just flirty messages? Is he lying about it? Does he sneak away and do this behind your back? So many questions!
Interestingly enough, the New York Times yesterday published a story about how test messages "are the new lipstick on the collar, the mislaid credit card bill."
"Instantaneous and seemingly casual, they can be confirmation of a clandestine affair, a record of the not-so-discreet who sometimes forget that everything digital leaves a footprint."
In fact, divorce attorneys, according to the article, have reported an increase in cases in the past year where text messages were used as proof a partner had cheated. The American Bar Association started offering seminars on how to use electronic evidence — meaning, text messages and even Facebook applications — to prove a case.
Scary!
I'm starting to believe that all these various channels of communication is hurting relationships, from the jealous spouse who's checking her partner's e-mails to the straying boyfriend who's meeting new people online.
The bottom line: you know what's right and wrong, you know what will hurt your marriage and/or relationship, you know what you should and shouldn't do. It doesn't matter if it's in a text message or not. Do what's right and you shouldn't have any problems.
Got anything to add?
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Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@thecatdish.com.
The Daily Dish
December 9th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Didnt we just argue this case ? It rears its ugly head again because of the Tiger fiasco? i think the concensus answer was --> its whats in the heart. Infidelity has been around a loooooong time. Way before text messages.I'm sure even the cave-dwellers had a system.I think they threw rocks at their potential indiscretions. Back to today's human.So is it time to rethink the pact of marriage?Does marriage mean --->possesion? Again, its whats in the heart,and i dont think anyone owns anyone else.And dont be afraid to hit the road if their is no trust.
December 9th, 2009 at 1:43 am
24K lipstick? Does one wear it like a necklace as well?
December 9th, 2009 at 3:44 am
There may be two lines. The first line is in the nature of what is being texted. If it is flirtatious, then it is probably not good. The second line is in when he does it. If he does it while the two of them are spending what should be 'quality time' together it probably isn't good. There should be times when cells, blackberries, etc. are put aside. For example if he gets out of bed at 1 AM to text another woman, that can't be good.
December 9th, 2009 at 5:24 am
YES I LOVE YOUR SILKY SMOOTH LIP......STICK..see dummy I am flirting texting my listick!
December 9th, 2009 at 5:27 am
MY LIST LIPSTICK and my husnbad comes home with a ring..what doesn't he get ..then when I write I want a ring he gets me lipstick...WHAT! I got to try that lipstick...okAY WHY WOULD i SWALLOW GOLD.....
December 9th, 2009 at 5:28 am
ARE YOU PULLing my leg? 24-karat gold in it.
December 9th, 2009 at 5:29 am
SO READING A SAUCY BOOK IS THAT CHEATING..IT IS FULL OF WORDS!
December 9th, 2009 at 5:30 am
yes sir he cheated on me he WROTE sex and text it....YES SPAM IT ALL !
December 9th, 2009 at 5:31 am
that lipstick is tempting me !
December 9th, 2009 at 5:44 am
The rule on texts is the same as the rule on voicemail and the rule on e-mail since the advent of widespread use of Internet e-mail in the mid-1990s: don't send it if you would be uncomfortable having the whole world see it. OK, we all say things we wish we hadn't said, and can acknowledge wrongdoing, apologize for injury, and correct our ways. However, when it's in writing (and a text message is in writing), it may be exciting to hide it or lie about it, but it is just plain foolish.
December 9th, 2009 at 6:20 am
What is worse than texting is the big green monster that is affecting that girl. Is her husband not allowed to have female friends or acquaintances? Trying to isolate him from the rest of the world will only make him want to do it more.
Of course there are details left out. If he texts her 20x/day that's not appropriate, but simple texts should be no reason for alarm.
December 9th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I disagree about texting, FB, Twitter et al hurting relationships. They are simply tools used by a person for whatever purpose. Cheaters will cheat with whatever tools are available. My favorite wife-cheater, Don Draper from Mad Men, used a telephone in 1960s America. If Draper were in the 1990s, he would have used a pager, then later an AOL e-mail account. Maybe even a free Geocities website.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:07 am
if you want to amuse the judge you show him video instead of text! the the judge will say HMM.....HMMM.....! WHAT CHEATING?..i need more proof!?
December 9th, 2009 at 8:09 am
I NEED PROOF CAMERA ACTION!
December 9th, 2009 at 9:53 am
It's really no different than using hand-written letters, telegrams, pony express, telephone, e-mails or anything else used throughout the years to set up a booty call. It the actual meeting up and hooking up that constitutes the cheating. I guess it also depends on what someone would consider cheating.
So no, texting itself is not cheating... but a warning signal just the same as anything else.
December 9th, 2009 at 10:14 am
... hey Cat! ... ooh, I might be getting stepping into something awful ... by commenting on this one ... but what the heck ...
... my question is ... Is intent the same as cheating??? ... Are thoughts that cross our mind equal to cheating??? ... many people have "wandering" minds ... many have inappropriate thoughts ... many have innocent flirtatious moments ... Are they all cheaters??? ... I would say no ...
... isn't there supposed to be some kind of physical action??? ... to be truly considered cheating??? ... am I just a dog for thinking this way??? ... is it because some think a text or voicemail equates to proof of someone's cheating mind??? ...
... like right now ... would it be so wrong if I put in some innocent flirtatious words here??? ... like ...
... Hi Cat, I think you're the most gorgeous blogger at the Advertiser! ... Thinking of you riding the waves on your surfboard just drives me wild!!! ... You're a superwoman!!! ...
... well, I just don't think that was so bad ... but hey, that's just me ...
... Have a Good One Everyone!!! ...
December 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Thinking of you riding the waves with no shirt on ....OH HOT HOT HOT....!!
December 9th, 2009 at 10:18 am
sometimes what you type can mean something else ! TELL THE JUDGE I WAS DRUNK JUDGE MY CAT TYPE THAT!
December 9th, 2009 at 10:19 am
yes does it count if the guy was DRUNK WHILE TYPING with his luck his wife wrote that to his mistress to get the mistress going ? AH NOW I GOT YOU SUCKER !
December 9th, 2009 at 10:25 am
YES YOUR JUDGES YOUR HONOR IT WAS COPY AND PASTED FROM THE BOOK I READ !! so does it make your heart pump fast...OH sorry you broke your pace maker...OMG!
December 9th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I have a simple rule:
If the text/email/voicemail/letter is something you would not want to show your spouse/significant other, then it's wrong. Period.
December 9th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I LOVE TO TOUCH YOUR NEWLY WAXED LEGS AND ARMPITS!
YES SHOW THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND ......
December 9th, 2009 at 11:24 am
rule of thumb send your texting when you are half senile for sure your spouse wont mind he is senile too!!
December 9th, 2009 at 11:25 am
how wrong can it be ..yes make sure you hide his glasses first then ask him can you read that!
December 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am
then you write your story ...YOUR HOT NIGHT TEXTING!
December 9th, 2009 at 11:28 am
just think the wife will be so piss off and say why didn't you ever write me that hot texting!
December 9th, 2009 at 11:54 am
you worry about a text your life will pass you by..next thing you be sitting in your wheel chair senile ..all your worry gone! all your hard work gone!
December 9th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
@Rosette
Are you having a conversation with yourself?
December 9th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
#17: Is a married woman thinking about another woman topless cheating? Inquiring minds want to know!
December 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
The key is the intent. I text other women besides my wife. I am not looking for side action, I am just keeping communication lines open with friends, nothing more than that.
Quite boring when you think about it.
December 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Tiger's mistress count is up to 11. I think he's running out of steam.... finally..... maybe.
The problem with text messages is that it's in writing. That and the old "When Harry Met Sally" quote that men and women can't be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. So if you have dozens of text messages on your phone with someone from the opposite sex, then it looks like you're having an affair. Not always true, but that's what it looks like. Makes you think huh?
December 9th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@ frankie: I DIDIN"T GET TO PEEK YET..so is that cheating!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
can you blame him for cheating...so marry a blind person so he wont be too tempted.....LETS SEE the braille blind guy texting!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
hey maybe he should have picked a cross eyed one legged mistress ....yes even a woman would say damn I should I slept with those ladies too..omg funny! I crack myself up.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
IF ADAM GOT TEMPTED BY APPLES what would he do if 11 naked ladies walk by!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
yes in the beginning APPLES WAS TEMPTATION..... ADAM SAID what the heck for ..apples to temp me..I FIND ME 11 gorgeous naked chick riding the surf! .
December 9th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
BUT THE PRIEST NEVER MENTION THAT IN THE THING ..he says in sickness and and helat..he didn't say he can't cheat..omg! I crack myself up...so it that cheating?
December 9th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
the priest never said in his book thou shall not text!